The Atlantic’s Alexandra Petri skewered President Donald Trump’s birthday parade, claiming it was “just awful and all about the Army.”
“Dear Diary,” Petri wrote, emulating Trump. “I did NOT have the birthday of my dreams last weekend! Everyone knows that 79 is the tank birthday… and I was so looking forward to my tank birthday.”
“I thought it was pretty clear what I wanted,” she jeered, “but obviously, it wasn’t!!!”
Petri imagined the president wishing for the type of parade more commonly associated with China or North Korea and pouting after it failed to live up to his expectations.
“My parade was just awful,” she wrote, “It was all about the Army, which, okay, is turning 250, but only in the literal sense.”
Petri then claimed Trump would have wanted someone to sing "‘Happy Birthday’ in a breathy voice," which is a reference to Marilyn Monroe’s sultry and scandalous singing to President John F. Kennedy, with whom she was allegedly having an affair, at his 1962 birthday bash.
“The Army [to] roll up with an enormous cake," Petri wrote. "But wait, what’s that in the cake? Could it be? I cut into the cake with a big sword to reveal A BRAND-NEW TANK! (Whoever finds the tank in the cake gets to be king for life!) Everyone claps.”
Petri joked that the commander-in-chief just still years for his father's approval. “The hole in you that has never been filled is full now!" She thinks Trump needs to hear from his father. The diary note also had Trump's father announcing Trump's greatest achievement, making America "the '80s again!"
“Finally! Everywhere I look, there are flags, and so many dollars, and a bald eagle, and an oil well spouting for joy,” Petri said.
“Needless to say, this is NOT what happened,” Petri said, “They’d better do better for my 80th.”
