Quantcast
Connect with us

That’s what she said: A year of Sarah Palin gibberish, WTF? and stone-cold grifting

Published

on

Sarah Palin — former half-term governor, babbling-word-fountain, almost-one-heartbeat-away-from-the-presidency mother of  Slam, Brisket, Pillow, Oreo-Double-Stuffed, and maybe or maybe not Lil Trigger depending on whether you are Andrew Sullivan, and America’s unhealing cold sore … in short: the Courtney Love of the GOP — had what some might call a banner year this year. She expanded her grifting ways by launching the Sarah Palin Channel for people who find using Facebook confounding (“I’m not a scientist!“), while be-bopping sound the country, shoving her Bumpit™ down people’s throats in an attempt to forestall the inevitable “Didn’t you used to be…?” decline of her public career.

ADVERTISEMENT

Along the way she shared with us many delightful observations made up of words strung together in search of a thought, rambling diatribes, and endorsamacations  of various government-hatin’ Tea Party whacknuts looking for a government paycheck.

Let’s revisit a few, ‘kay?

Back in April, Sarah was a featured speaker at the NRA’s  Gun-nut Jamboree & Domestic Terrorist Group-hug and, in one sentence, combined the best qualities of American exceptionalism – bigotry, Jesus love, and blood-lust –  telling the tumescent crowd:

“Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.”

Before the cock could crow even once, many Christians denied ever having had lust in their hearts and in their pants for her and she briefly went into bunker mode, and there was a kind of hush all over the world as more than a few God-botherers fell out of love.

In September, Palin visited with Fox News ALL-CAPS Ragebeast Sean Hannity and apologized for being the anchor that kept  angry old man cloud-shouter John McCain from reaching the culmination of his existence  — which, apparently wasn’t dumping one wife to marry a hawt blonde beer heiress — and, also too, she said  some stuff about them there Muslim-y ISIS dudes:

ADVERTISEMENT

“To claim last night, also, our president saying ISIS is not Islamic, um, ISIS says they’re Islamic,” Palin continued. “They are so full of deception that America should be concerned with the policies that are going on. And, as I watched the speech last night, Sean, the thought going through my mind is ‘I owe America a global apology. Because John McCain, through all of this, John McCain should be our president.’ He had the advice, today, still giving it to Barack Obama, and he will not listen to it, about the residual forces that must be left behind in order to secure the peace in Iraq that we had fought so hard for.”

Also, too too:

“That triangle, of course, the foundation in the region of their power, for it to be taken over by the bad guys, that could have been avoided had Barack Obama listened to the best military advice, and that was ‘Barack, you have to leave that residual force in order to continue what it is we are doing.’ We don’t have to have combat troops over there at that time, but that residual force in order to secure…but, no, and now here we are saying, uh, well, it’s going to take boots on the ground to win this thing, and yet, we’re not going to send boots on the ground? We’re going to contract this thing out when there is no mightier power than the red, white, and blue?”

Yes, there is “no mightier power than the red, white, and blue.” and at least none more red-er, whiter, and blue-ier … or something.

ADVERTISEMENT

In October the Palin family drunk-bumrushed a Wasilla birthday party, resulting in Snowbilly fisticuffs and Brisket Palin being dragged to the curb — ruining a simply lovely camouflage evening frock — like a not-Princess of the Northern Lights & Meth Valley. Sarah eventually accused everyone in the world world of waging “war on women” for LOL’ing at her hot mess daughters:

Looking at the reports, it strikes me as bitterly ironic that the same people who tell us there is a “war on women” have no problem laughing at the recording of my daughter crying as she tells police about being assaulted by a man. I’d like to say shame on the media and those on the left laughing at her or at any young woman in a similar situation, but I no longer think they have any shame.

ADVERTISEMENT

Shame on you, world.

The next time a mascara-streaked tottering Palin daughter is kicked out of a party and is leaning against a Quiki-Stop dumpster barfing up her Moose McNuggets and Fireball & Sugarless Red Bull ‘cocktail,’  we expect all of you — yes all of you — to hold her hair back. Avoid the back-splash, though. It’s like Alien-acid blood.

Next up, President Barack Obama said he thought Americans shouldn’t live in an economy where mothers have to make a choice between working or being a stay-at-home mom.

“Blood mom libel!” Sarah ululated.

ADVERTISEMENT

You really are stuck in a contorted kind of ’60s feminism where you obviously don’t trust women to make their own decisions, so you’re frustrated. Despite your view – and policies – that government must lord over women, in keeping with radical liberalism, you have to fake support for our equal rights; so you do it in a militant sort of way to compensate for your confusion. On pretending to know what’s best for us you’ve got nothing but a silent scream demanding, “Hear me roar.”

“a silent scream demanding, “Hear me roar,” is The. Best. Thing. Ever.

To wrap up the year, Sarah wished people would put the Christ back in Christmas by buying her year-old book and, also too: “I make moose chili,” (yes, we get it, Sarah: people in Alaska eat moose. Moose chili, moose chops, moose steaks, moose tacos, moose smoothies, chocolate-frosted moose flakes in moose milk, etc.). Sarah also showed off her mad baking skills, throwing on a slinky little black Forever 21 clubwear number to toss around some flour and make a mooseberry pie with moose meringue and toasted moose sprinkles to be served with moose gelato.

And she said this:

“What we believe in is freedom of expressing our faith [buy my book] and what our beliefs are, not allowing just a few angry atheists with attorneys [buy my book] perhaps to tell us that we can’t celebrate [buy my book] the birth of Christ [who would buy my book] the way that we would like to [buy my book],” she said. “And it’s not an in-your-face political lecture [buy my book], it’s a fun book [you should totally buy it] that incorporates the solution [seriously, buy the fucking book] to the challenge that is the war [buy my book] on [buy my book] Christmas [I don’t care if you buy it as a joke gift, buy my book] that we see taking place right now.”

ADVERTISEMENT

Also, too: “buy my book.”

Sarah will be back next year –SHE IS NEVER GOING AWAY — so we can probably expect more of the same, making us wonder if she is like Charlie in Flowers for Algernon, and somewhere — in a lab — there is a mouse dying.

Of embarrassment….


Report typos and corrections to: [email protected].
READ COMMENTS - JOIN THE DISCUSSION
Continue Reading

Facebook

WATCH LIVE: Trump addresses the nation after Iran retaliatory missile strike

Published

on

President Donald Trump will address the nation Wednesday morning on Iran’s attack on two military bases in Iraq hosting U.S. Armed Forces. The missiles were a retaliatory strike in response to Trump’s decision to assassinate General Qassem Soleimani.

The White House had signaled the president would deliver his address Tuesday night, but walked that back and the president, insisting “All is well!” in a Tuesday night tweet promised to speak Wednesday morning.

Continue Reading

Breaking Banner

Here are 11 of the most punchable faces of 2017

Published

on

By

Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn't visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to "shake things up"?

That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.

It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of "meh" compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression -- and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.

Continue Reading
 

Breaking Banner

WATCH LIVE: Sarah Huckabee Sanders holds WH briefing as Trump squabbles with Gold Star families

Published

on

As President Donald Trump's administration squabbles with the family of Sgt. La David Johnson and Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL) over the president's ham-handed attempt to offer condolences to Johnson's widow, many people are failing to ask why U.S. Army Green Berets were in Niger at all.

White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is expected to receive questions about Niger and more queries about the administration's decision to go on the warpath against Wilson with false charges about a 2015 speech.

Continue Reading
 
 
You need honest news coverage. Help us deliver it. Join Raw Story Investigates for $1. Go ad-free.
close-image