Sarah Palin — former half-term governor, babbling-word-fountain, almost-one-heartbeat-away-from-the-presidency mother of Slam, Brisket, Pillow, Oreo-Double-Stuffed, and maybe or maybe not Lil Trigger depending on whether you are Andrew Sullivan, and America’s unhealing cold sore … in short: the Courtney Love of the GOP — had what some might call a banner year this year. She expanded her grifting ways by launching the Sarah Palin Channel for people who find using Facebook confounding (“I’m not a scientist!“), while be-bopping sound the country, shoving her Bumpit™ down people’s throats in an attempt to forestall the inevitable “Didn’t you used to be…?” decline of her public career.
Along the way she shared with us many delightful observations made up of words strung together in search of a thought, rambling diatribes, and endorsamacations of various government-hatin’ Tea Party whacknuts looking for a government paycheck.
Let’s revisit a few, ‘kay?
Back in April, Sarah was a featured speaker at the NRA’s Gun-nut Jamboree & Domestic Terrorist Group-hug and, in one sentence, combined the best qualities of American exceptionalism – bigotry, Jesus love, and blood-lust – telling the tumescent crowd:
“Waterboarding is how we baptize terrorists.”
Before the cock could crow even once, many Christians denied ever having had lust in their hearts and in their pants for her and she briefly went into bunker mode, and there was a kind of hush all over the world as more than a few God-botherers fell out of love.
In September, Palin visited with Fox News ALL-CAPS Ragebeast Sean Hannity and apologized for being the anchor that kept angry old man cloud-shouter John McCain from reaching the culmination of his existence — which, apparently wasn’t dumping one wife to marry a hawt blonde beer heiress — and, also too, she said some stuff about them there Muslim-y ISIS dudes:
“To claim last night, also, our president saying ISIS is not Islamic, um, ISIS says they’re Islamic,” Palin continued. “They are so full of deception that America should be concerned with the policies that are going on. And, as I watched the speech last night, Sean, the thought going through my mind is ‘I owe America a global apology. Because John McCain, through all of this, John McCain should be our president.’ He had the advice, today, still giving it to Barack Obama, and he will not listen to it, about the residual forces that must be left behind in order to secure the peace in Iraq that we had fought so hard for.”
Also, too too:
“That triangle, of course, the foundation in the region of their power, for it to be taken over by the bad guys, that could have been avoided had Barack Obama listened to the best military advice, and that was ‘Barack, you have to leave that residual force in order to continue what it is we are doing.’ We don’t have to have combat troops over there at that time, but that residual force in order to secure…but, no, and now here we are saying, uh, well, it’s going to take boots on the ground to win this thing, and yet, we’re not going to send boots on the ground? We’re going to contract this thing out when there is no mightier power than the red, white, and blue?”
Yes, there is “no mightier power than the red, white, and blue.” and at least none more red-er, whiter, and blue-ier … or something.
In October the Palin family drunk-bumrushed a Wasilla birthday party, resulting in Snowbilly fisticuffs and Brisket Palin being dragged to the curb — ruining a simply lovely camouflage evening frock — like a not-Princess of the Northern Lights & Meth Valley. Sarah eventually accused everyone in the world world of waging “war on women” for LOL’ing at her hot mess daughters:
“Looking at the reports, it strikes me as bitterly ironic that the same people who tell us there is a “war on women” have no problem laughing at the recording of my daughter crying as she tells police about being assaulted by a man. I’d like to say shame on the media and those on the left laughing at her or at any young woman in a similar situation, but I no longer think they have any shame. ”
Shame on you, world.
The next time a mascara-streaked tottering Palin daughter is kicked out of a party and is leaning against a Quiki-Stop dumpster barfing up her Moose McNuggets and Fireball & Sugarless Red Bull ‘cocktail,’ we expect all of you — yes all of you — to hold her hair back. Avoid the back-splash, though. It’s like Alien-acid blood.
Next up, President Barack Obama said he thought Americans shouldn’t live in an economy where mothers have to make a choice between working or being a stay-at-home mom.
“Blood mom libel!” Sarah ululated.
You really are stuck in a contorted kind of ’60s feminism where you obviously don’t trust women to make their own decisions, so you’re frustrated. Despite your view – and policies – that government must lord over women, in keeping with radical liberalism, you have to fake support for our equal rights; so you do it in a militant sort of way to compensate for your confusion. On pretending to know what’s best for us you’ve got nothing but a silent scream demanding, “Hear me roar.”
“a silent scream demanding, “Hear me roar,” is The. Best. Thing. Ever.
To wrap up the year, Sarah wished people would put the Christ back in Christmas by buying her year-old book and, also too: “I make moose chili,” (yes, we get it, Sarah: people in Alaska eat moose. Moose chili, moose chops, moose steaks, moose tacos, moose smoothies, chocolate-frosted moose flakes in moose milk, etc.). Sarah also showed off her mad baking skills, throwing on a slinky little black Forever 21 clubwear number to toss around some flour and make a mooseberry pie with moose meringue and toasted moose sprinkles to be served with moose gelato.
And she said this:
“What we believe in is freedom of expressing our faith [buy my book] and what our beliefs are, not allowing just a few angry atheists with attorneys [buy my book] perhaps to tell us that we can’t celebrate [buy my book] the birth of Christ [who would buy my book] the way that we would like to [buy my book],” she said. “And it’s not an in-your-face political lecture [buy my book], it’s a fun book [you should totally buy it] that incorporates the solution [seriously, buy the fucking book] to the challenge that is the war [buy my book] on [buy my book] Christmas [I don’t care if you buy it as a joke gift, buy my book] that we see taking place right now.”
Also, too: “buy my book.”
Sarah will be back next year –SHE IS NEVER GOING AWAY — so we can probably expect more of the same, making us wonder if she is like Charlie in Flowers for Algernon, and somewhere — in a lab — there is a mouse dying.
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