Bill Kristol — magazine editor, War Bringer, Destroyer of Civilizations, Owner of the Smarmy Smile — looks across the ever-expanding 2016 GOP presidential hopeful field and sees nothing but roses coming up which, of course, means that they are all doomed.
Doomed, I tell you. Like, none more doomed-er.
Kristol has a well documented history of being wrong about pretty much everything which means he makes for an excellent reverse barometer when making critical and not-so-critical decisions. If you were to go to Pimlico, and Bill was in the betting line in front of view, you could safely assume that whichever horse he is betting on will hit the rail on the second turn and burst into flames… which happens at racetracks a lot more than you would think.
Kristol’s website currently has a “Kristol Clear 2016 Straw Poll” up (get it ? Kristol Clear? harharhar – try the veal) and readers are encouraged to vote for their faves to do mortal combat with the Hildebeast in the upcoming quadrennial American Hunger Games where only one can become President and the loser is condemned to spend Sunday mornings on Meet the Press, which is the same as oblivion except you spend it with David Gregory or Chuck Todd, so it’s a lot worse.
Saying “The more the merrier,” Kristol wants everyone to step up and run for the Republican slot in 2016, and by ‘everyone’ he means: everyone.
After invoking the words of Thomas Paine (“The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman”) without any sense of shame since no one can remember Bill ever visiting a recruiting office in times of wars that he helped encourage, Kristol ticks off his wish list, some of whom have already announced:
John Bolton, Jeb Bush, Ben Carson, Chris Christie, Ted Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Lindsey Graham, Mike Huckabee, Bobby Jindal, John Kasich, Pete King, Mike Pence, Rick Perry, Mitt Romney, Marco Rubio, Paul Ryan, Rick Santorum, Joe Scarborough, Scott Walker, and Allen West.
That seems a bit light.
However, as they say on the teevee: “But wait, there’s more…”
Dick Cheney, Tom Cotton, Mitch Daniels, Joni Ernst, Newt Gingrich, and Rudy Giuliani—you’re also more ready than Hillary. If you think you’re the right person . . . go for it.
We should laugh –or shudder — at the inclusion of Dick Cheney on the list, but Carly Fiorina? Pete King? Rudy 911? Morning Joe Scarborough? Pig-nutting 1-week Senator Joni Ernst?
There is the barrel, the bottom of the barrel, and what lies beneath.
Speaking of which, there is one notable name missing from the list.
Why, it seems like it was only one year ago when Bill was touting another, more “formidable” candidate:
Former vice presidential candidate and Alaska Republican Gov. Sarah Palin would prove “formidable” in a 2016 run for president, Weekly Standard Editor Bill Kristol predicted Thursday.
“She’s a huge political talent. She has a real populist streak, and a real feel for, sort of, middle America in a way that very few politicians do,” Kristol told MSNBC’s “Morning Joe.”
“The truth is, she might be kind of formidable,” he added.
2014 was not kind to Bi-Polarbear Barbie as she has given free rein of her Shoutyface page to her inner 13-year-old in the face of every slight, real or imagined, to the point where Bill Kristol — who made her what she is today — has unfriended her and left her off the guest list and standing on the wrong side of the velvet rope and in the cold.
Then again, maybe Bill realizes that Sarah never needs an invitation.
Good times… good times.
WATCH LIVE: Trump addresses the nation after Iran retaliatory missile strike
President Donald Trump will address the nation Wednesday morning on Iran’s attack on two military bases in Iraq hosting U.S. Armed Forces. The missiles were a retaliatory strike in response to Trump’s decision to assassinate General Qassem Soleimani.
The White House had signaled the president would deliver his address Tuesday night, but walked that back and the president, insisting “All is well!” in a Tuesday night tweet promised to speak Wednesday morning.
Here are 11 of the most punchable faces of 2017
Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn't visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to "shake things up"?
That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of "meh" compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression -- and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.
WATCH LIVE: Sarah Huckabee Sanders holds WH briefing as Trump squabbles with Gold Star families
As President Donald Trump's administration squabbles with the family of Sgt. La David Johnson and Rep. Frederica Wilson (D-FL) over the president's ham-handed attempt to offer condolences to Johnson's widow, many people are failing to ask why U.S. Army Green Berets were in Niger at all.
White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders is expected to receive questions about Niger and more queries about the administration's decision to go on the warpath against Wilson with false charges about a 2015 speech.