Ahead of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, “Late Night” host Seth Meyers began his week of coverage reviewing Hillary Clinton’s vice presidential nominee.
After clips of multiple pundits calling Tim Kaine the “safe choice,” Meyers explained the only way Clinton could have picked a safer choice was if she’d gone with a Volvo wearing a bike helmet. “Kaine is so safe he gives speeches in a life jacket,” Meyers joked. “He’s so boring he makes Mike Pence look like Guy Fieri.”
Meyers noted that the VP is supposed to serve as the attack dog, but when it comes to Kaine, everything he says sounds so friendly that he’s like the attack dog that “licks the burglar’s hand while he’s stealing your candlesticks.” There is one thing Kaine can do that will get under Trump’s skin, however: Speak Spanish.
“Look at Hillary’s face behind him,” Meyers said while Kaine was speaking Spanish. “Look at her! Ha ha ha! Yes! We are enfuego! Mucho Presidente! When Trump saw that, I can only imagine how red his face stayed. He probably screamed, ‘He’s a Mexican! She picked a Mexican!’ And then someone explained to him that some people are bilingual, and he said, “Well, then I should buy some lingual. I’m very rich.'”
Theoretically, everything should go smoothly at the DNC with the safe candidate and her safe pick for VP, “as long as there’s not, I don’t know, another email scandal?” But then there was. “Emails to Hillary are what snakes were to Indiana Jones. ‘Emails? Why did it have to be emails?’ Also, when hearing about this leak, imagine the restraint Hillary has to exercise in not screaming at the top of her lungs, ‘This is why you have a private email server!'”
One of the emails questioned Bernie Sanders’ faith, another was pitching stories about his campaign being a mess. “A mess? I don’t know, seems like he’s the only Democrat who knows how to use his f*cking email,” Meyers joked.
The whole scandal resulted in DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz being forced to resign and a DNC apology, but she still hoped to talk to her home state of Florida. That didn’t go well either. “What did you think was going to happen?” Meyers mocked. “It’s like you got a group invitation to a birthday party and then accidently replied all, ‘Is fat Kevin going to be there? If so, we should have two cakes.’ Once you do that, you cannot go to the party anymore!” Meyers tried to explain with urgency.
So, Wasserman Schultz was gone and the whole ordeal should have been over, but then Clinton decided it would be a good idea to name her as an honorary co-chair to the campaign. “I’m sorry, is this Hillary’s plan to woo angry Bernie voters? First, she overlooked progressive VP choices and chose insider Tim Kaine. Basically, Hillary said, ‘Have you been feeling the Bern? Why not try some Nova-Kaine.’ And then she added Wasserman Schultz to her team, despite her anti-Bernie sentiments. What’s next? I’m impressed she didn’t pants Bernie during his speech tonight.”
Sanders had every right to give everyone the finger, but instead, spent Monday reiterating his support for Clinton, even though he got booed by his own supporters. Even Trump was surprised by the graciousness. Meyers said he probably emailed Ted Cruz the Sanders speech, saying, “Maybe this next time, as*hole.”