By now, we at Raw Story’s OMG Is This Still Happening desk feel fairly confident in saying that everyone in the country is ready for this election to be over.
Like a long, ugly, particularly persistent panic attack, the constant parade of outrages, assaults to common sense and blatant absurdities have left many Americans feeling psychologically battered, overstimulated and stuck with a feeling of creeping dread and horror that won’t go away.
Here is a list of a few things to look forward to that should hopefully help get you through the last awful days before we drive a stake through the heart of the 2016 election and watch it crumble to ashes.
7. Fewer surrogates on the TeeVee: As Media Matters’ Carlos Maza noted, Trump’s army of double-talking campaign surrogates have committed vicious crimes against rational thought, the English language and the profession of journalism by becoming the TV equivalent of “facehugger” baby aliens.
All reasonable conversation comes to a halt, everyone starts shouting and the truth dies screaming in a fire.
There will no doubt be a healthy amount of grumbling and moaning after Nov. 8, but hopefully by Christmas, Jeffrey Lord, Kayleigh McEnany, Scottie Nell Hughes and Cory Lewandowski will all climb into Kellyanne Conway’s minivan and go hurtling off a tall cliff somewhere.
Raw Story spoke with the word “surrogate,” which said it very much looks forward to returning to its work with mothers and families and getting off the campaign trail.
When asked if it plans to do more “sexual surrogate” work, surrogate said, “That never really took off.”
6. Goodbye, Tofu Palin: Worthless media sop Jill Stein will return to obscurity for another four years and go back to band practice and showing up at other people’s birthday parties to demand a share of the presents.
No doubt, sometime in 2020, she will re-emerge, smiling blandly and warning us all about the hidden dangers of supermarket laser scanners contaminating our food. I have every faith that Stein will run — again — as a liberal spoiler against Pres. Hillary Clinton, and have another go at selling shiny, substance-free, feel-good eyewash politics to liberals the way Sarah Palin serves them to the right.
5. People will return to not giving two shits about Wikileaks: WankyLeaks has played an invaluable role in getting John Podesta’s risotto recipe and Land’s End receipts out to the world, as well as revealing the hidden hypocrisies — and credit card numbers — of elite Democratic donors who committed the heinous crime of supporting a Democratic candidate for president.
Beyond that, however, Julian Assange’s “radical transparency” organization has failed to move the U.S. election much one way or the other. Maybe when he gets his internet privileges back from his Ecuadorian hosts, Assange can send out some resumes for temp jobs or IT positions.
4. The Trump brand is ruined forever: Sensing the shi(f)t in the wind, Trump Hotels Inc. CEO Eric Danzinger announced last week that new hotels built by the company will not have the word “Trump” in the name, but will rather be called “Scion” hotels. Danzinger rightly foresees that in the wake of Donald Trump’s hateful, time-wasting, money-hemorrhaging disaster of a losing presidential campaign, the Trump brand is about to become completely toxic around the world.
Women are already boycotting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line and the stores that sell it. Bookings are down at Trump hotels around the globe. In his grasping, sweaty-palmed run at the big brass ring, Donald Trump has made himself into a global punchline. Yay.
3. No more Donald, Jr. and Eric Trump: There is an old southern saying that I just made up that goes, “The little shit never falls far from the big asshole.” That could not be clearer than when you observe these two slicked-up morons on camera, babbling with the slightly wild-eyed, sweaty-faced vehemence of a college sophomore with his first-ever 8-ball of cocaine all to himself.
Like a pair of terrarium-raised grubs dressed in matching serial-killer haircuts and aggressively tight collars, Eric and Donald, Jr. show us that while inherited wealth can make a person spoiled, useless and ridiculous, inherited inherited wealth can make you into a good example of why aliens should reduce the Earth’s surface to molten glass. Just kill every living thing and start over in a couple million years.
2. Hello, Trump TV: A lot of people I know have been wringing their hands about Trump’s plan to launch his own network with the help of Breitbart.com CEO Steve Bannon.
Allow me to try and put whatever fears you may be harboring to rest: Trump TV is going to be a disaster, a cartwheeling fireball of failure. Everything else that the notoriously feckless businessman with the attention span of a particularly stupid fruit fly has turned his tiny orange hand to has ended up in flames on the side of the road or lodged in bankruptcy court.
Equally kooky right-wing howler monkey Glenn Beck is currently watching his glorious dream for a far-right TV network burn down around his ears. It will be fun and exciting to watch Trump TV do the same once the former Apprentice star stops paying his employees and the whole mess devolves into chaos, just like Trump Airlines, Trump Steaks, Trump Ice bottled water and Trump’s short-lived lifestyle magazine.
How long will the network actually broadcast? Will the lights actually go out during a broadcast? How much damage will Trump TV inflict on Fox News before it folds? These questions make me — in the words of the Rocky Horror Picture Show‘s Frank N. Furter — quiver with anticipation.
1. Less Donald Trump, period: For better or worse, once he loses the election, Trump will probably be a regular fixture in the media for a few weeks, but eventually we will see less and less of his bloated orange face and hear less and less of his horrible, whiny, overgrown 8-year-old’s voice and his puny 200-word vocabulary.
Donald Trump is an assault on the senses. Satirist H. L. Mencken could have been talking about Trump when he described the writing of Pres. Warren G. Harding: “It reminds me of a string of wet sponges; it reminds me of tattered washing on the line; it reminds me of stale bean soup, of college yells, of dogs barking idiotically through endless nights. It is so bad that a sort of grandeur creeps into it. It drags itself out of the dark abysm of pish, and crawls insanely up the topmost pinnacle of posh. It is rumble and bumble. It is flap and doodle. It is balder and dash.”
He is an affront to the eyes with his bizarre skin colors, hideous hair and boxy suits. His me-first, you’re-a-poopyhead style of debate and oration is an assault on the mind. One can only imagine the horror endured by the dozens of women who Trump has groped, grabbed and inappropriately touched. His little hands, one guesses, are probably constantly clammy and feel like hot, damp starfish through your clothes.
And word has it that he wears so much overpriced cologne that he’s even offensive to the nose.
All of this, yes, all of it will eventually go away. Trump will no doubt have a big baby meltdown tantrum on November 9 and then slowly and steadily go gently into that good night as he retreats to ideologically friendly outfits like Trump TV and wherever Sean Hannity will be setting up a card table and an iPhone camera.
Above all, chickens, we at Raw Story would like to remind you that this election will end. While a part of your mind may be shrilly screaming and crouching in the corner of your skull convinced that we have all died and this is Hell, one day soon we will be able to go a full 24 hours at a time without hearing, talking about or even thinking about Donald Trump. Blessed be.
Good luck! Take care of yourselves.