Remember back when 2016 began and the world held so much promise and then a bunch of people in the Midwest got mad at Hillary Clinton because she didn’t visit their state fair, eat a corn dog and admire their butter cow so they decided to toss a match in the septic tank by voting for Donald Trump to “shake things up”?
That, among other reasons, is how we got to where we are now in Trump Year One: Like A Plague, But Kinda Worse.
It has been a very weird year compared to the past few to the point where someone like Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Zodiac Killer) is barely a blip on our screen because he seems sort of “meh” compared to the daily tsunami of Trump atrocities that have us drowning in depression — and depending upon Robert Mueller and Zoloft (Ask your doctor if ZOLOFT is right for you) to pull us through.
Which takes us to this year’s round-up of faces that we would totally punch if it weren’t wrong (and more importantly, illegal). Some old favorites like Pharma Bro and Paul Ryan have fallen by the wayside. And pointing out that Fox News’ Jesse Watters has a punchable face is like saying water is wet or that Roy Moore likes watching Nickelodeon disturbingly more than a 70-year-old man really should.
I should note that there are a lot of people who could have made the list because they assaulted women or societal norms (Hey! The Nazis are back!) but many have already been dealt with in lost jobs, careers and having to write for The Federalist — so some of your favorite hate objects may have not made the cut.
As always, our list contains no women because we don’t even joke about hitting women. So you can just take that crap to Twitter where it seems to be acceptable, if not encouraged.
So let’s start with this guy who just seems to be begging for it….
Owner of punchable face: Donald Trump Jr.
Occupation: Executive Vice President, Future Felons of America
The face: Oil-based white privilege
Crimes against humanity: Remember when we thought that Eric was the stupid one? Trump Jr. is so desirous of getting his share of the 10 percent of daddy’s love that isn’t lavished on Ivanka that he will do anything for a pat on the head – and now he is probably going to jail for it. We imagine that after he claimed attorney-client privilege when he refused to say what he told his dad, he probably smirked and looked around for a high-five that was not forthcoming. Because he is an idiot. If there is any justice, this pinhead’s mugshot will be used to illustrate all future articles on the Dunning-Kruger effect.
Owner of punchable face: Sean Hannity
Occupation: Fox News staffer, word spewer, Trump wingman
The face: The confident smirk of a man who knows he can taunt the parents of a murder victim on TV without reprisal
Crimes against humanity: “Nobody tells me what to say on my show. They never have and frankly they never will. I’m not that type of person you can say, ‘Go on air and say this.’ That’s been the beauty of Fox News all these years. They leave me alone.” – HuffPo interview.
Hannity is living the dream. O’Reilly has been banished to podcasts for waving his wee-wee around. Megyn Kelly hightailed it out of town to MSNBC where they are trying to make her over into the $20 Million Mom (“I’m not like a regular mom, I’m a cool mom!”) and the Fox bench only has Tucker Carlson and Judge Jeanine — who is stashed away on Saturday nights like a crazy great-aunt where she can’t hurt anyone. The result for Sean: conspiracy mongering, Trump tongue-baths and non-stop Hillary-hate for the Fox viewer who comes to have their racism validated but stays for the catheter commercials.
Owner of punchable face: Steve Bannon
Occupation: Breitbart CEO, decaying former host of a long dead soul
The face: Rotting from the inside out
Crimes against humanity: Bannon is the spewing hellmouth of everything that is going wrong with America. Despite the outward appearnce of something that looks like someone lives in a bus stop bathroom, Bannon turned a Breitbart gig into a White House gig and then into a career exemplified by defending accused pedophiles because: “western values.” When everyone else has stopped advertising at Breitbart, NAMBLA will be there with check in hand, although even they probably won’t want to shake hands with him to seal the deal
Owner of punchable face: The “Crying Nazi”
Occupation: Out-on-bail white supremacist and lady-assaulter
The face: Very white, very tear-streaked
Crimes against humanity: He has a name and it is Christopher Cantwell, but he will forever be known as the “Crying Nazi” after posting a sniveling, whimpering defense of himself online after he learned he was going to be arrested for assault. You don’t get to spray people with tear gas and then start crying because you got busted. There is no crying in Nazism and if the threat of a trial makes you burst into tears like a little girl, we’ll give you “a real reason to cry” (mom logic) with a smack in the face.
Owner of punchable face: Joel Osteen
Occupation: Evangelist, poor-hater, future denizen of Hell for all of eternity
The face: Seriously, the guy looks like an idiot dachshund. (Pro-tip: if you tell him he looks like a dachshund on Twitter, you will get blocked.)
Crimes against humanity: While Houston drowned, mega-church founder and religious fraud Osteen turned his back on his community, locking down his home and his properties during the almost Biblical-type flooding brought about by Hurricane Harvey while lying about their roads surrounding them.
But, hey, let’s use the Gospel of Luke (16: 19- 26) to understand why this is problematic for Joel:
There was a rich man who was dressed in purple and fine linen and lived in luxury every day. At his gate was laid a beggar named Lazarus, covered with sores and longing to eat what fell from the rich man’s table. Even the dogs came and licked his sores.
The time came when the beggar died and the angels carried him to Abraham’s side. The rich man also died and was buried. In Hades, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side. So he called to him, ‘Father Abraham, have pity on me and send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue, because I am in agony in this fire.’
But Abraham replied, ‘Son, remember that in your lifetime you received your good things, while Lazarus received bad things, but now he is comforted here and you are in agony. And besides all this, between us and you a great chasm has been set in place, so that those who want to go from here to you cannot, nor can anyone cross over from there to us.’
Joel, my dude, you’re so screwed.
Owner of punchable face: Stephen Miller
Occupation: Senior White House adviser, racist word-stringer-together-er for Donald Trump, possibly a new type of cancer
The face: The stuff that nightmares are made of
Crimes against humanity: We had almost forgotten about out old buddy Stephen Miller since he was shuttled back to his crypt after scaring people on TV again. Miller has a well-documented history of being an absolute and unabashed dick since high school. As one student remembers him, Miller “enjoyed saying things that were perceived as racist. The more he offended, the happier he was.” He didn’t get any better in college with another recalling, “He seemed to be absolutely sure of his own views and the correctness of them, and seemed to assume that if you were in disagreement with him, there was something malevolent or stupid about your thinking.” Did I mention he writes many of Trump’s speeches that could have real world implications including wars and that sort of stuff? Yeah, he does that.
Owner of punchable face: Jared Kushner
Occupation: White House adviser, future Allenwood Federal Correction Complex camper for a term of no less than 3 years, and Ivanka-shtupper
The face: Callow idiot who knows deep down that he is a fraud who is about to be outed
Crimes against humanity: Child of privilege who has never honestly earned a thing in his damn life . His dad bought his way in to Harvard, and with that Ivy League education he turned around and paid way too goddam much for a 5th Avenue boondoggle that led him to tap-dancing for cash from the Chinese, the Russians and Jesus knows who else. He is a conman’s wet dream.
Owner of punchable face: Richard Spencer
Occupation: Nazi, human punching bag
The face: Very white, making bruises spectacular in all their technicolor glory
Crimes against humanity: Let’s face it, he’s a Nazi even though he calls himself a white ethno-nationalist — which is how you describe yourself on Tinder if you not in the mood to discuss 6 million dead Jews, which can put a damper on a first date before the appetizer arrives.
Anyway, he’s already been punched. Score one for freedom:
Owner of punchable face: Tucker Carlson
Occupation: Fox pundit, willfully befuddled simpleton
The face: The look of a dog trying to figure out how a door knob works
Crimes against humanity: Tucker landed his latest gig after everyone else at Fox was fired or quit. Tucker’s schtick is to find lunatics — who are supposed to represent the mainstream left – and have them on his show to say really stupid shit, while Tucker — Scooby-Doo-like — looks on as if he didn’t know that was going to happen.
Owner of punchable face: Michael Tracey
Occupation: “Investigative journalist” at TYT, walk-by nudging victim
The face: Oblivious look of someone who thinks people are laughing with him instead of at him
Crimes against humanity: Putative “progressive” who found a home at The Young Turks after being fired from Vice for doxxing Lena Dunham (which is not a punchable offense because it is Lena Dunham, but still a dick move). What is a punchable offense is claiming a 79-year-old black woman assaulted you as she tried to escape your insipid questioning, and then spending 3 days on Twitter nursing your wounds and redefining the word “assault” for strapping young white men with both racist tendencies and delicate constitutions. If someone punches Tracey, we hope it is Maxine Waters, because no jury in the world would convict her. I know I wouldn’t.
Oh, and you can watch the devastating UFC-quality beat-down below:
Michael Tracey tweeted Maxine Waters “shoved” him. Here’s the video. This is what he is calling a shove. pic.twitter.com/5LXc59eOcE
— Zachary 🇪🇺 (@zatchry) June 3, 2017
Owner of punchable face: Every Person Who Still Supports Donald Trump
Occupation: Unwashed masses yearning for someone to bring everyone else down to their own sad and unremarkable level of existence that will scarcely be remembered sixty days after they either accidentally shoot themselves or diabetes wins.
The face: All shades of white, from fish-belly to mottled to incipient stroke.
Crimes against humanity: Racism, misogyny, inchoate anger based upon something they heard on Fox News or saw on Facebook, irrationality, ahistoricism, anti-science, cowardly, ALL-CAP-TYPING, don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re,” Bible-toting malicious ignorant yokels wrapped in an American flag and wearing a MAGA hat made in China.
Bless their stupid hearts.